Probably for as much as I complain about the workload of my Advanced Human Development Class, I actually do enjoy the material we are covering. We just finished up "Development of Self and Social Understanding in Children" and it really got me wondering, have I established my sense of self and what is my self worth? The irony of this is coming after a phone call from the dance studio saying they not only cannot hire me full time, but, they can't afford me part time either. What did I do to become dispensible? I'm a good teacher.
Sense of self, according to my textbook is "Knowledge, beliefs, judgements, and feelings about oneself as a person." It also defines self worth in the question How good am I as a person? I think at this point in my life, I have established my sense of self. I know who I am and I accept it and the people I love (my family, close friends, and Ryan) accept it as well. My sense of self is the following:
1. I am too nice. I will do anything you ask me because I like to help people.
2. You walk all over me because I am too nice and you will wish you have never seen the bitch in me.
3. I believe private education for K-12 is a waste of money that can be used for a child's college education. There is nothing wrong with the public system and I would argue that it is better than private schools (whose teachers aren't always licensed).
4. I think the arts get a weird rap and I have pretty much made it my mission in my professional life to teach people how wonderful it is to be educated (even if its a little) in a world too few understand or try to understand.
5. I put up a strong front. Inside there is an emotional mess. I have a short fuse and a violent temperment went its lit and only a few people can handle it.
6. I tend to get very upset at failures (and by failures, I believe becoming dispensible to the dance studio is one of them).
7. When things go wrong....I have two extreme reactions that both happen: Extreme rage (like I need a punching bag or get my running shoes on) and then depression (like wanting to drink myself into a small oblivion so that I pass out and hope it was just a dream). [Note: right now I am doing neither because I felt the urge to blog and also because I need to finish writing up an observation]
8. I grew up in a republican household and in the Catholic Church. I spent four years in art school and liberal views and then 18 months living on a cruise ship working with many nationalities and thus my outlook has changed. I get mad at anti-abortion signs and walk out of church when the priest plans a protest at Planned Parenthood. Is what I think wrong? No, its what I believe. I believe there has to be a better energy system than what we have here in the United States. I believe education has fallen off the radar along with the arts (when do you hear politicians speaking of them?). I strongly believe in the first amendment though its power is sometimes overused. I think Republicans have too high expectations and Democrats are a buch of cry babies wanting money for nothing (like welfare and unemployment...just feeding the system). I also think Cincinnati needs to get up to date with the times and get along.
9. I believe in myself 75% of the time when it needs to be all the time.
10. Finally, I believe that I have found my soul mate in Ryan.
But what is my self worth? I suffer from what the experts call self-handicapping by setting unattainably high goals, taking on too much, and procrastinating (like writing this blog right now is total procrastination). This is why I get so upset when things go wrong because my expectations are too high and I want everything right now. I try to do too much at once and lets face it, when I do that, it leads to procrastination.
They say our peers affect our self worth and its totally true. The girls I live with unintentionally make me feel stupid because I'm not a psych major or nutrition science or med school. Excuse me for being artsy. I would argue my parents and sister are very practical scientists and mathematicians (which is a generalization of their fields), but, never have they made me feel stupid. Sure I can't save a persons life (wait, I can, I have expired certifications in CPR and First Aid) but I know that I can change them.
I guess what I am getting at is the last 18 months for me (since coming home from the life on cruise ships) has been a total transition. I have been lower in self-esteem than the economy, got stuck in a dead end sales job, and lost it because of the economy. I have been taken advantage of professionally and personally. This past January is when I finally decided that I have had enough. I started running again. I had so much rage about things gone wrong, it was all I could do.
I don't always believe fate, but, I believe things happen for a reason. If I had not started running again, I would have never met Ryan. Its been with him that I am starting to be who I really think I should be and its because of him that I feel like I have any self worth at all.