Tuesday, October 20, 2009


So, I was reading Judi's blog, and she was saying how she was being a total downer. I have been the exact same way only you can add whiny, selfish, malicious bitch to the end of it. I have been acting like that for weeks.

I was mad about the ballet thing because I thought I felt betrayed and under-appreciated. But, when I thought about it, where would I rather be? I am there. There is no need to bitch about it anymore.

My mom and I got into on Sunday too. I hate fighting with her. I was complaining about how people think buying a digital SLR camera makes them a photographer. Never mind I have a degree in it? Never mind it was not something they thought was worthy of study in college. Two people I know are turning this "hobby" into their career. Meanwhile, I have turned this passion into a hobby and not a career. Who's fault is that? Not theirs. Certainly not my mom's. I blew up only to have the fact obviously pointed out by my mom, "you always have an excuse for something."

She's right. And maybe that's why I was mad. But apparently she is still mad because now we haven't spoken since Sunday and I have not seen her or my father since they left for their vacation over a week and a half ago.

I make time to play on facebook, pick my nose, and do absolutely nothing. The only two things I do make time for (after school work) is ballet and barely Ryan.

Please cue in the Reality check. In addition, add the self-confidence as well, I am lacking it. I put up a good front of confidence but the reality of the matter is that I am my own worst enemy. I should not have to have my Mom, my Dad, or Ryan constantly tell me how good I am. There was a time in my life that I KNEW I was good at my job and it showed. Not cocky. It was confidence. Mom always told me how proud she was to see me doing my job as an art auctioneer on the ships. She cried in the middle of my auction (seriously, but she was in the back corner so I didn't know until she told me).

There is a kind of self loathing that has happened to me since I came home in January 2008. I have had gleams of the person I used to be. Nobody has ruined it except myself. I bitch about so many things (roommates, parents, artistic directors, employers, etc.). No one to blame but me for my attitude.

Looking back, I wrote that my motto in life should be this, and I have forgotten it so here it is:
"You can't always get what you want,
But if you try sometimes, you get what you need."
~Mick Jagger

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Knowing when Enough is Enough

I have not posted in a month. School is having its effect on me it seems.

I have decided not to run the marathon.

I am pissed.

What appears to be runner's knee is becoming excruciating pain with every step I take after running 2 miles (that's all it takes for it to start hurting). I have new shoes. I have tried the knee straps. I still need to test drive Kinesio tape. I have done Pilates to strengthen the leg muscles around it. I cannot not do an easy 3 miles without limping in pain which in turn does not help my hip flexor.

Mom and Lori joke about how I would find excuses not to run it. I hate that this has happened. Ryan thinks I took on too much too fast. He's probably right. I only started running again this year and even that was a sad attempt.

I feel like a quitter. It is a feeling worse than failure because I didn't even get to try the race.