Thursday, June 3, 2010

Priorities, To Dos, and Tears.

I'm just going to start out this post was inspired by priorities and perspectives--and that has become a more prominent issue in this past year more so than ever before.  I turn 26 in a little over a week--and--I am officially putting my foot down.  I am an adult--have been technically for the last 8 years but I would argue for only half the time (living at home with your parents during undergrad is not the exact definition of adulthood so it does not count),

Priorities the Way it needs to be in my mind:
1.  School
2.  Ryan
3.  Work
4.  Ballet and Art (tied because they both make me happy equally and challenge me equally).

Priorities the Way my Parents Want it to be:
1.  School
2.  Work
3.  Ryan
4.  Art
5.  Ballet

The Way it Actually is Right Now:
1.  Ballet
2.  Work
3.  Ryan
4.  School
5.  Art

I keep wondering how I got here.  I am happy and unhappy.  The only person who really truely sees my misery beneath the front I put up is Ryan (why he isn't number one on any of these lists isn't fair for the amount of bullshit he puts up from me and the rest of my family that drives him nuts)--I shouldn't have to be torn the happy and unhappy place the way that it is.  God love my parents, and I do, they raised me in a good home and made sure that I had the best but it needs to stop.  The only way I can describe my relationship with my parents (yes it is now both parents) is a constant state of disagreement, different places, different lifestyles, and in their minds, different priorities.  I want to have a good relationship with them but it is hurting me more than it is helping.

As much as they say, "Stop comparing yourself to your sister," it's hard not to when she has set a standard that has become a double standard.  I realize situations are different and I am not going to bash my sister by none the least because she has worked hard for everything she has:  her job, her home, her family, and her body.  But Jesus expectations are so different.  Lori has never truely worked and gone to school--yes she ran on a XC and Track Scholarship along with Academics and managed to get her Master's paid for by the athletic department at Wright State--there is the arguing the girl has worked.  There was a time where I worked 7 jobs in one year during college.  SEVEN!?!?!  I had to pay for sorority, and books, and art supplies, and formal dresses.....everything.  I pushed through and hardly slept and partied when I could and still made bad decisions and got GREAT grades by standards of DAAP.

I am still having this fight.  My mom and dad would like me to pick up ANOTHER job.  Yes I realize retail doesn't pay the best--but--I can't really get anything else right now.  Lori didn't have a real job until she got her masters.

I'm just frustrated.  I know the situations are different.  It ultimately comes down impracticality.  My life is impractical according to my family (especially the ones that live here in Cincinnati).  I do not know how much more I can take and how much more venting I can do to Ryan (or the Amy's, or Tara, or Mario and Meridith, or Judi)---it's not fair that I have to live it much less them hear about it all the time.

I have loving parents.  Why can't they just accept my situation and be happy for me instead of always bringing me down....isn't it supposed to be the other way--you know--lift me up.


Judi said...

you need to move away from their hold on you.

Amanda said...

the struggle between happy/unhappy has to do with how much consideration you give to pleasing others. Do what makes YOU happy. try to not use the word "should". we don't know when we get a tomorrow. be selfish. look out for you. you're the one that has to live with your choices.

KSIC said...

thanks guys--just had a long convo with Meridith after tech class today and basically said the same thing and that she had the same situation in her family. it was a totally crappy day yesterday. i cried for like an hour--and then started drinking (bad). I didn't know what to do anymore or what to say--i'm just completely frustrated by the lack of understand about why i need to dance--like i said--they never have understood or "gotten it" but I am lucky for you two--and my dance family because I wouldn't be getting through this without any of you. it's wearing on me and I don't know how much more I can take.